God’s in the Details

Three weeks ago I had a baby and my body promptly fell apart.  With regular postpartum healing, a separated pubic bone, and battling C. Diff I have never felt so worn out in my entire life.  My family has been separated during the last three weeks while I was in the hospital first for having Nathan and then for another week while I was diagnosed and the infection was brought under control.  I haven’t been able to hold my baby boy during much of this time and I missed three weeks of my precious girls life, which seems like an eternity in toddler years.  This experience has been full of pain.  But the last three weeks have been full of tender mercies and miracles.  God has been with me and my family every step of the way:

• I was prepared for this.  In the  middle of the summer I had the impression to get my life, family, and home in order.  I made a list that kept growing and growing and was directed on a daily basis of what to work on.  Our home was completely cleaned and organized, with a system for keeping it that way.  We had developed a fantastic schedule for daily living.  I developed patterns and discovered what was most important to keep me going as a person and a mom.  We were prepared for Nathan’s arrival.  Near the end of my pregnancy I was tired by kept having the impression, “You are less tired now than you will be. Keep going.”
• Nathan was born at the perfect time.  Our prayers were that he would be born as soon as he was ready and would be healthy, that it would be the right time for our family.  He came two weeks early, which was during beautiful weather. It enabled my mom to drive four times back and forth across Illinois safely while she lived with our family for three weeks.  She left the day before the first snow storm of the season.
• I had a physical therapy appointment already set up for the week of Nathan’s due date.  After getting out of the hospital and being home for a few days I realized my pelvis was in serious trouble. It shifted every which way and clicked when I walked.  I couldn’t carry any weight, could barely make it up and down the stairs, and struggled to walk.  Normally I would have to wait six weeks until my post partum visit to get approval to go to physical therapy, but because the appointment was already in place I was able to make some phone calls and get approval to start the process.  I now have physical therapy set up weekly until the end of the year, which is a miracle because my insurance will only cover this for 60 days after he is born so I would have been out of luck. The first visit increased my mobility drastically and I we’d been praying for inspired help, which clearly happened.
• My mom left Friday morning after being with our family for a week, thinking we were all on the mend.  She had been gone for about twenty minutes when Emily had asked me to get something from upstairs and we discovered my mom had left her purse at our home.  She was able to quickly turn around and still make it home before dark.
• I cried all day the next day (Saturday).  It was a day to just leak and let out the tears.  I felt off, but had no idea I was sick beyond just regular post baby healing.  By the end of the day I had a pressing thought to call and ask my mom to come back – which seemed a little ridiculous.  But I called and felt complete peace and relief settle in my heart.  She came back Sunday night.
• Saturday night Andrew and another man from our church gave me a blessing.  In the blessing I was blessed to seek help from health experts and that they would be given extra inspiration to know how to help me. I was blessed with faith to be healed and with hope.
• Earlier that day we called the doctor because I had had diarrhea for a week. It wasn’t concerning at first because it was a common side effect of the antibiotic they gave me while in labor to fight the group b strep.  He figured I picked up the stomach bug that was going around the hospital and suggested the usual home treatment.  Emily and Andrew made a special trip that morning to the store which gave me some hope.
• My mom was able to watch Emily and help keep me alive while I kept Nathan alive during the second week. Andrew was around as much as possible but was still able to make it to campus a few times.
• I continued to become sicker during week two with my symptoms becoming worse.  I had a fever with taking Tylenol Wednesday night and the triage nurse told me to go to urgent care to get evaluated immediately because of a whole list of scary post partum things that can develop.  I was so relieved we could go to urgent care because I felt so sick and tired and urgent care was just around the corner.  When we arrived they turned me away because I had just had a baby and they figured I would need IV fluids which they didn’t have.  They said to go straight to the ER and I left in tears with a firm resolve not to go.  After checking my temperature again and saying a prayer, we all felt good about staying home and sleeping instead of pulling an all nighter at the hospital with newborn.
• My fever was gone Thursday morning and I had the best day I had had since coming home. I went up and down stairs a few times and got food for myself.  I participated with the family.  My mom and I had our first conversation in two weeks.  I had a growing pain in my abdomen, but it didn’t alert any warnings.  I was trying to build up some momentum in preparation for my mom leaving in the morning and test my wings a little bit.
• Thursday night was really bad and I woke up having contraction pain in my abdomen every few minutes. I could tell I was really dehydrated and wouldn’t be able to dig myself out of this one alone.  I called out around 9:30 in the morning to my mom and Andrew. Andrew grabbed some gatorade from the store for me to see if I would turn around at all.  I had the very clear impression, “Go to the ER now.” It cycled through over and over. When Andrew returned with gatorade I did feel a bit better, but the thought came, “You feel better now so you can get to the hospital. Go to the ER now.“
• Once I arrived at the ER the receptionist at the front desk heard my story and told Andrew, “She has C. Diff”. No one else was waiting so I went right in to a room and a nurse was assigned immediately.  The IV to two attempts to get in with two different nurses, but both were so kind and attentive.  They also assumed immediately that I had C. Diff.  The ER doctor came in and was so nice, kind, and compassionate.  She took my situation very seriously and also suspected C. Diff.  I was put into isolation immediately.  After a few rounds of fluids and taking blood and stool samples, I was sent to have a CT scan of my abdomen.  The images were consistent with C. Diff.  By this point I felt like I was having pain that felt like contraction at the end of labor – the kind that make me think I never want to do this again and I’m sooooo done.  They lasted a few more days and that was hard.
• The official results that would confirm C. Diff didn’t come in a timely manner (it took three days), so the ER doctor asked me if I wanted to stay or go home.  My usual reaction would be – home!!!! Send me home! Instead I felt strongly impressed to stay. Compelled to stay.  I don’t think I could have gotten any other words out of my mouth.
• My mom cleared her schedule and said she would stay until I was out of the hospital. This made it possible for Andrew to stay with me so Nathan could stay with me.  Because I was so sick, weak, and in pain I wasn’t able to hold Nathan or do anything for him other than breast feed him with Andrew’s help. I couldn’t have his weight on my stomach because it hurt so much so Andrew held him.  I was also able to you the breast pump in the pediatric unit for a day during the worst of the pain so Nathan could eat without touching my stomach at all.
• The hospital was full so I was put into the overflow area which just happened to be the pediatric unit.  This meant they had a crib and baby swing for Nathan ready to go with zero hassle.  It is a small unit with only two nurses so it is quiet and I had all the attention I needed.  The nurses are exceptionally kind too.  I knew I was really sick by day three because the most common phrase from everyone was “Oh you poor thing.” They did everything they could to keep me comfortable. I was also incredibly grateful I had stayed because I got worse for two more days before I hit rock bottom. The IV kept me alive.
• My doctor, Dr. Geller, was a very kind man.  He also happens to be one of 1100 doctors in the United States trained and practicing as both a internist and pediatrician.  He was the ideal match for a sick mom with C. Diff who also had a newborn and toddler.  He was compassionate and after three days with no improvement he was so sad. When I turned the corner towards day four he was thrilled. The nurse came in and told me he was absolutely giddy out there in the hallway for me. I firmly believe that both my room assignment and doctor were hand picked by God.
• My mom was able to bring Emily to the hospital twice a day. Emily loved to come and eat crackers and muffins, something she picked up from when I was in the hospital after having Nathan.  My mom had filled a bag full of snacks before coming out the second time and she would bring a few of those each time.  The snacks lasted the entire hospital stay and ran out just as it was time for me to come home.
• My IV collapsed in my vein after 4.5 days of constant fluids and antibiotics.  It was the only spot left for an IV that wasn’t completely bruised from previous IVs or IV attempts or blood draws, so it was a miracle it lasted that long.  When it came out the nurses tried a couple of time using infant needles and were not able to reinsert an IV.  I convinced them and they convinced the doctor to let me try staying hydrated by drinking lots and lots and lots of water and powerade.  I made it 24 hours hydrated, so the nurse gave me the heads up that the insurance company would deny my staying in the hospital any longer because they aren’t doing anything I couldn’t do at home.  After six days it was great to have a reason to go home because the doctor wanted me to stay until my symptoms had improved more than they had.  Emily was worn out from going back and forth and we needed to be a family again.
• Andrew had complete support from his advisor during this time.  He even offered to have his family watch Emily if my mom needed a break.  This has been the worlds biggest blessing.  We are constantly amazed at how incredible the people are that Andrew works with.
• We are surrounded by angels.  We have had so many many many kind friends bring by food to keep us alive during the last three weeks. I’ve never been in a position where I am so sick to need so much help.  Having food has been such a help because all I have energy for is to make it downstairs, grab something out of the fridge and throw it in the microwave to feed Emily and myself when Andrew is gone.  I can’t believe how little I can do, so the dinners have been blessings from angels.
• Andrew’s mom and sister bought plane tickets months ago to come during the week of Thanksgiving.  We thought that I would have a two week old and would need a little help.  We never dreamed I would be on week four and still fighting a superbug and need so much help.
• My mom was hoping to stay until Andrew’s mom arrived, but on Thursday she had the impression to go home now.  She felt very compelled, and I felt very at peace.  God had been taking care of my family and I just knew he wouldn’t leave us now.  My mom did make it home and it turned out my sister came out from school sick and it was her turn to need a mom.  I’m so grateful I have a mom who listens to God and that he can direct her where she is needed most.  I’m grateful for the prayers that have been said for our family and that Andrew and I have been strengthened these last few days while we’ve been on our own. As Andrew’s mom is just hours away I feel my body succumbing to the sickness once again, so I know I have more fighting to do. But what a blessing that it was suspended a few days while we waited for reinforcements.

God is aware of me. God is aware of my family.  He has not left of comfortless. He has lightened our burdens.

Over the last few months I’ve been reading the scriptures and praying daily, working on my relationship with God and Jesus Christ – putting drops of oil in my lamp.  Three weeks ago Jesus took my lamp, lit it, and put his arm around me, showing me the way.  This famous painting has been in my mind, but he has me next to him too.  I have been filled with peace during this experience.  I am grateful for priesthood blessings that have helped me feel God’s love even more clearly. The atonement covers all this – not holding my newborn baby who on the day I was discharged had spent half of his life in the hospital, not spending time with my toddler, being so sick I can’t take of myself or my family.  Everything that is hard or unfair will all be made right.

Emily and I in our matching blue “dresses”. Because I was in isolation Emily wore a gown and washed her hands really well every time she came to see us.  The nurses loved her and she got a “pink guy” (a little rubber pig with wire arms) and a heart stress ball which she threw all around the hospital room. The first few days she had a “pink dress” that she loved but it got old after a few days so we tracked down another option. Emily loved finding everything that matches right now.

After five days Emily was missing mom quite a bit and mom was missing Emily.  She decided she wanted to draw with just mom, so my mom loaded up supplies and Emily and brought all to the hospital.  It was sooooo good to do something with Emily after almost a week of being non existent.  It did my soul a lot of good.

I’ve been surprised to discover just how sick I am since coming home. I’m in existing mode. Just keeping myself and my two kids alive with tons of help is all I can handle.  It will be a milestone to climb up the ladder to survival mode. One step at a time we will work our way back to normalcy.