Let’s Get Rid of the “Bad” and “Mean”, Moms

I’m sure you’ve seen this scenario.  Mom A picks up her baby and begins trying to control her running-away nose with a tissue. The adorable baby begins screaming and wiggling in protest, very distraught over her mom’s attempts.  Mom A turns to Moms B, C, D, E and F and declares, “I’m such a bad mom.”

Mom B jumps in with a story of her own.  “I’m the bad mom. When my little boy gets himself stuck I let him figure out how to get out of it, even when he gets upset.”

Then in runs Mom G, all out of breath, with her young child in tow.  After talking to her boy about the finer points of why it is not okay to punch his baby sister and delivers a consequence, this son of hers doesn’t react in a happy manner.  To which Mom G replies to the entire room, “I know, I’m such a mean mom.”

Let’s leave these moms who now have a lot to talk about, because my heart breaks just a little bit every time this conversation happens, and it happens everywhere I’ve been recently.

Why do we say such things about ourselves moms? Part of it may be a logical fallacy from the long list we got in sixth grade: Correlation does not imply causation. I do something, my child cries, and therefore I’m a bad mom. This mental dialog is easy have on repeat after only a few hours of sleep, irregular meals, and a to-do list with few check marks.

Another part might be the lack of specific direction for how to do the parenting thing.  Or maybe too much direction; hundreds of parenting books with conflicting opinions, as well as blog posts, opinionated grocery store shoppers, and well meaning friends.  This information overload with less than perfect results can lead to a few feelings of inadequacy, which is only magnified when the crying child has an audience and so does the mom.  It is easy to explain the tears and hide those insecurities, or even feelings of guilt (which is another soapbox speech entirely) with the word “bad”.

“Bad” is also convenient; while I don’t want to put words in anyones mouth, I imagine what is really being said is, “I hate it when you are sick too and I feel bad I can’t make your pain go away” or “It is so hard for me to watch you have a difficult time learning and growing knowing I can’t fix all of your struggles” or “I wish I knew how to approach this situation differently so that no ones feelings were left raw.”

Now to the “mean” mom.  This one is really tough for me to hear, because those moments of discipline are anything but mean.

Discipline is “training that corrects, molds, or perfects.”…Discipline is directed more at the objectionable behavior of the child; it is something we do for our children, not to them (Flake).

Every time we tell our children and ourselves that we are “mean” for loving them enough to teach them, we cheapen our roles as mothers.  We communicate the wrong message about discipline. We are judging ourselves incorrectly.  So in the words of Elder Uchtdorf, “Stop It!”

We aren’t “bad” moms. We aren’t “mean” moms.  We are “learning” moms, “imperfect” moms, “growing” moms, “trying” moms, “searching” moms, “tired” moms, “feeling” moms, “loving” moms, “insecure” moms, “teaching” moms and “hoping” moms.  Let’s enjoy this role we are all trying to figure out, instead of beating ourselves up for not being perfect in it yet.