The Miracles Continue and the Tears Begin

There have been so many miracles this week.

I could only get in to see one doctor before March after calling to three different offices twice, and when I went to my appointment yesterday she is perfect for my situation. She even spent time working in a neonatal unit and was able to give us some sound advice about how to help Nathan since he’s been on intense antibiotics through me for 3/4 of his life.  She’s also had a bought with c. diff and knows exactly what it feels like and really wants to help.  She gave me her personal cell number so I can reach her directly with any more questions or problems as they arise.  She told us where to go to get the very expensive drug for a still expensive, but doable price.

An incredible lady in our church who I don’t know well at all felt prompted to bring us dinner on Monday and then returned on Wednesday to help take care of Emily and Nathan so I could bleach our bathrooms.  I didn’t know I needed this help, but God did and sent the right person, someone I don’t know, to make it possible.

I am learning a lot right now about c. diff and trying to overcome multiple occurrences with this rough bug. I’ve been amazed and grateful at the generosity of people with their knowledge and that the right things keep being brought up at the right time.  I’m sure this is not a coincidence.

With all the new information I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and a little discouraged.  I was scrolling through instagram while waiting 2 hours for the doctor (the good ones really run behind schedule) when I came across this scripture from proverbs 3 on someones account: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths”.  Looking up the verses added: “Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil. It shall be health to thy navel and marrow to thy bones.” It felt like God was speaking directly to me.

This week has brought a lot of tears. Tears of gratitude sometimes, but tears of being tired too.  Tired of starting over. Tired of not knowing how this is going to end.  Tired of worrying about how this is effecting Nathan. Tired of not being totally engaged and present with Emily. Tired of being a sick wife and mother. Tired of just being sick.

Tonight I needed to stop thinking so I turned the movie, Freetown, about six missionaries trying to escape from Liberia during a civil war. Towards the end one of the men say in response to yet another obstacle, “It’s just that we have worked so hard, and a lot has happened to get us this far. And it’s been like, miracle after miracle.” To which the reply comes, “Then why are you doubting?” and he returns “Is faith supposed to be this exhausting?”

That is EXACTLY how I’m feeling.

So I keep listening to Savior, Redeemer of My Soul:

1. Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
   Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
   Whose wondrous pow’r hath raised me up
   And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
   What tongue my gratitude can tell,
   O gracious God of Israel.
2.  O’errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
   Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
   Chasten my soul till I shall be
   In perfect harmony with thee.
   Make me more worthy of thy love,
   And fit me for the life above.